Guanaja Gratitude - June 2018

At the bottom of a climb in Colorado National Monument, Ben Reader, a NOLS instructor and mentor of mine told me something I wouldn’t soon forget. With a face chalked with red dirt and cinders, he looked me in the eyes and said, “Gratitude is breathing for the soul.”I looked back at him and nodded in appreciation, but upon first hearing this its significance wasn’t fully realized.

In 1998, Guanaja was stripped bare to the bone by a vicious hurricane that hovered over the island for three days. Nearly nothing was left afterwards. The carcasses of trees were scattered around the island, the people were poor, and with nothing left the island fell into economic crisis. The scars of the storm still remain.

Guanaja, Honduras. June 17, 2018:  We sit in the stands at the edges of a dusty, grass field, seeking shade from the high midday sun, watching a game of soccer amongst the locals of the island. They play with vehement passion and charisma, sprinting like warriors into the heat of battle. Two different teams from two different towns of Guanaja square off for island pride. The intensity of the match embodies that of the World Cup being played thousands of miles away in Russia. With sweat-drenched jerseys, the players on each side of the field accelerate intermittently in bouts of offensive momentum at the prospect of achieving a goal. A goal that could ultimately separate their respective team to a victory or a loss. I look behind me to all of the people in the stands, and watch and hear family, friends, and strangers yell among the players themselves.

Children of players and spectators kick older balls along the sideline in miniature games of soccer with improvised flip-flops goals. The aroma of pulled pork and plantains seeps out a tent selling 60 Lempira lunch plates. After a Sunday morning of fishing and church, the island comes to the soccer field to bond over competition, food, and camaraderie. This soccer game is not like any I have been to in the states. Everyone greets each other with kindness. Everyone knows each other’s name. Players on the bench call out to the players on the opposing team with smiles and kind gestures. Everyone looks out for one another.

I am distracted by a shout across the field.  One player trips over another, falling from a full sprint on to his back and then into a roll in the fetal position. He grimaces in pain holding his knee up to his chest. The player he tripped over puts a hand on his shoulder and to my surprise, does not call him out, or challenge the authenticity of his writhing. He stretches his leg out from a strain, and calls to a man beside a cooler on the sidelines for a water. After the injured player can be helped up, he and his teammates help the player off the field, all saying words of encouragement along the way back to the bench.

The people of Guanaja, more than the people in any place in the United States that I have witnessed, understand the importance of gratitude. When a person, or an entire island in this case, watches nearly everything they once had slip between their fingers like ashes from a once raging fire, the only thing that have left is what they choose to be grateful for. This first day back in Guanaja, and this soccer game, and the way the locals interacted with each other while battling for victory, encompassed what gratitude means to me and to so many other people around me. Guanaja is a place in which we can come to be grateful, and leave behind us all that we have lost.

 

 

A Bigger Picture - June 2017

 

Sometimes it feels as if I have accomplished nothing. As if all of the exposure, all of the practice, all of the hours, all of the failures, and all of the successes, have meant nothing.

We retreat back to the lodge. The constant hum of the motor infiltrates my ears as if I am in the center of the downpour of an inescapable waterfall. I close my eyes and see red. The hum of the motor fades away occasionally as I stare deeper into the floor of the skiff. I drift deeper in to my thoughts, replaying the moment I nearly had that permit eat my fly. The black, shadowy figure swam closer. I began to strip my line in towards me. It began to follow. I could see his eyes at this point. The image is too vivid in my thoughts. Then I am put out of my daze when waves slam against the flat surface of the underside of the skiff. I reach down and push my fly rod further in to its holster in the boat to keep it from being damaged. I try to think back to the fish.

Yet another day has come to an end without any results. No fish. I tell myself to keep things in perspective – to be grateful for what I have. I tell myself to not forget the importance of gratitude. But somehow, at this moment, it was the only thing that was important. The result. The goal. The fish. The fish was the most important thing to me – as if I would live happy the rest of my life if that Permit would have just cooperated and eaten my fly. And now our last day of full fishing has come to an end, and I still have yet to have their slime and smell coat my hands. However, I now have the potential to get much more of that in the future.

My current math teacher once told me a story of how he spent thirteen months working to find a solution to one math problem. In an e-mail he sent me regarding the thirteen months he spent on the problem, he said:

“It was a period of time where I was teaching at the University of Delaware and working on my own math research. … R(5,5) (the problem he was working on) has a certain allure to it. … There were certainly hot streaks where I worked for more than 8 hours each day on it.  There were bouts of despair when another attack fell apart.  I certainly went through the entire range of emotions.”

One of the examples of this rollercoaster of emotions:

“I remember one night in particular where I thought that I was extremely close to a solution.  I was working with a fellow mathematician on the problem on this particular night.  We were making steady progress and you could feel the excitement in the room.  One more observation or twist of an equation and we were there!  But, no matter what we did, we couldn’t crack it.  I think we worked on the problem from 3pm until 6am the following morning.  The entire time, we were convinced that R(5,5) was at least going to be partially solved.  However, it was all for naught.  By 5:30am, it was clear that our attack had stalled and that was the closest I ever felt to cracking the problem.”

He then continues with:

“Eventually, after 13 months, I threw in the towel. In order to earn a PhD in mathematics, you have to produce a new piece of mathematics.  Whether that’s solving a large unsolved problem, discovering a new class of polynomials or finding a new method for attacking problems, it has to be new.  A solution to R(5,5) would certainly have been new!  However, there are many other areas of math that can produce new results that would be much easier than R(5,5).  As a result, I had to scrap my research and start over on my thesis.  However, those 13 months were absolutely not spent in vain.  I learned much about mathematics and about myself.  There were nights that tested my faith in my mathematical abilities and my desire to keep working on the problem.”

Although comparing catching a fish that many, many others on this planet have already caught to a completely un-solved problem in mathematics is quite a bit of a stretch, I feel that the same principles apply to both challenges. Whether it be in fly-fishing or mathematics, we must focus on the opportunities that the journey presents to us when we are trying to reach the destination – especially if that destination is one that is unknown.

“…you can learn quite a bit without accomplishing the original goal.”

 

The Water - June 2016

These two words have taken so many different meanings in this past week. Deep and shallow, nervous and calm, wavy and glassy–the water is a place where memories become and stay clearer in your mind and more of these memories are made everyday. No matter what the day looks like, the water has the ability to put me in the moment, where I am supposed to be. I was once told by a palm reader on a sidewalk in Jackson Square that I was a lover of the water, which I already knew was true and also that the water would always be with me. I am finding these things more evident in my life, and they have definitely become clearer to me in this past week staying here in Guanaja. I have come to know the ways bonefish follow a fly in the water, how they want it, and how to get one of them to bite it. I have come to know the ways of the snook, how they rarely come up to the surface, unless they are big enough and are not afraid of the birds like the seagulls that could pick them out and eat them.

But most of all, my perception of the water is what I have come to know the most. This perception has altered in the past week, and I still wonder what these words mean to me, but I want to and will explore this further in my writing and experiences in the future. Authors like John Steinbeck and William Faulkner have explored their perception of the land and this has become extremely evident in their writing.  

Steinbeck, growing up in the valleys of Salinas, California, was locking himself in his room writing stories and poems of the land at the age of only thirteen. His love, devotion, and fascinations with the land has inspired me not only to write more about my perception of the water, but also never stop improving and exploring my limits in the outdoors. Most of all, this trip to Guanaja inspired me to push my limits on the page and outside in nature.

 

Connections: Ambivalent - June 2018

I don’t think you can make your art completely unique because we as humans are very bad at thinking of completely random things.  Everything we think of and create or design or patent, has to be influenced by something. Although we may have ideas, thoughts or works of art that are unprecedented and original, those ideas, thoughts, or works of art were conceived through other thoughts that were not original. I think being inspired is an inevitable part of human nature.

Please click on the title to see how I portrayed ambivalence...